This album was produced in an especially “liminal” time (2010 to 2012)… as things were falling apart and falling together at the same time.

What was falling apart was my 17 years in Alcoholics Anonymous. What was falling together was an understanding (or interpretation) of how my out-of-control substance use (from roughly 1983 to 1993) may have been influenced by my experience of trauma. And how my experience of trauma was largely a result of my integrity (inability to tolerate passing myself off as someone I’m not).

After attending a training from Etienne Wenger-Traynor about Communities of Practice, I started a community of practice called the Youth Addiction Knowledge Exchange (YAKE), and at the end of our first year, we decided to have a “YAKE-Day,” where members (mostly youth addiction counsellors – of which I wasn’t one yet, just a program manager) presented on various topics. One person presented about trauma… and I started to vibrate weirdly…

Not that I wasn’t aware already of my many lifetime traumatic experiences. In my early 20s, I’d even been motivated to go to a hypnotherapist for nearly a year – thinking perhaps something had happened to me that I didn’t know about… under the assumption that things (no matter how traumatic) that I was aware of and able to talk about (as I was) couldn’t possibly influence my behaviour without my permission.

For the years that I was composing this album, it’s nearly all that I listened to (well, that and to textbooks for the Masters in Counselling program I had enrolled myself in, partly to develop a new community of supports for myself … people who could respond to me without being tangled in history or baggage from my AA days and before).

There are a couple songs (Rat-a-tat-tat and Where to shoot my jizz) I’ve refrained from posting from this album, as they’re too raw to hazard putting out for just anyone to hear. Still, some of the songs may have triggering content, so be forewarned.

Listen